Reckoning

**Speak little of that which is ever invisible.
Let the mind probe into its hidden secrets:
The power of each psychic Centre will come of itself,
And it is spontaneous as the rising sun,
Though the dross of mind and spiritual blinkers
Cause the esoteric powers to remain ever hidden,
When the faculties of awakening and joy
Explode, all that was hidden becomes known. **

The quote above came attached to an email from my beautiful, spiritual friend and sister, Nitya Giri. Something about these words spoke to me in relation to my own journey, so I share them here with you.

Things weren't going well with Regal. They weren't going well with me either,which was about 70% of the problem. If I were able to come to the table without a huge pile of baggage dragged in from the pressures of work and an often frustrating hour commute to get to my 'happy place' I could probably tune in a lot more. Regal Spacific, the poster boy for 'special case', was about to teach me a Master Class in self-examination and humility.

By not being a strong leader, I gave him room for doubt and challenges. By not being centered myself I could provide him no solid center either. Clearly, I was not the person to train this horse. I simply wasn't fit.

All I had to give Regal was my presence in his life, for whatever it was worth, and I was highly committed to that. Even if I drove an hour each way to spend 30 minutes just looking at him in the paddock, I would go. Not because he needed me, but because I needed him.

Horsemanship is such a highly centered activity. It's no surprise that riders develop such a good core, physically and mentally. In addition, there's that ever-present element of self-examination, which is far more esoteric. This is not critiquing how you look or how you did on your last round or test, but really going over what you brought into your every interaction with a horse. That's real horsemanship and really, really good therapy.

It must have been very strange for Regal to suddenly find himself expected to emotionally nanny an adult woman. It's not at all strange that he might have failed to initially demonstrate a knack for this. He was used to being the baby, the orphan, the troubled one, the center of attention; and then along came I - somebody who needed something from him that he didn't understand and wasn't prepared to give.

I remember reading this article on relationships once that discussed disappointment as an opening for a fresh start. If I was going to use that sort of opportunity in my relationship with Regal, it was clear to me that I would need to stop feeling sorry for myself, start being realistic and find a solid place in the center of myself to build on for both of us.

So I went there to see him, almost religiously, and did nothing, asked nothing and expected nothing more than to find myself present in the moment and the company of another who, like me, was in the process of becoming, again.